Work Around Your Abyss by Henri Nouwen

The following is an excerpt from Henri Nouwen's book The Inner Voice of Love:

There is a deep hole in your being, like an abyss. You will never succeed in filling that hole, because your needs are inexhaustible. You have to work around it so that gradually the abyss closes.

Since the hole is so enormous and your anguish so deep, you will always be tempted to flee from it. There are two extremes to avoid: being completely absorbed in your pain and being distracted by so many things that you stay far away from the wound you want to heal.

The Wound

When I think of the darkness within my spirit I visualize a gaping, black hole oozing blood, a wound so deep and encompassing I didn't even know it was there. It had become such a part of me that I was completely unaware of its presence. I'm not sure what the catalyst was that awakened within me the presence of this wound. I only know that I feel it now. Not feeling is better for the short term. But I need to feel it for the long term.

When I picture this black hole I realize that Jesus is there. It's His blood covering the pain from the wound because He lives in my heart. He upholds me with His mighty right hand. It is Christ that wants to heal me and shows me I need to be healed. This is a tough journey. But not too tough knowing He will never, ever, leave me nor forsake me. "For I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13 NLT).

Writing this blog is cathartic for me but extremely difficult. I'm a very private person and find it hard to share my innermost thoughts and feelings. I do this in the hopes that in some way God will be glorified. All I really want to do is tell people about Jesus. He loves us all so much. I'm so thankful to You, Lord Jesus. Amen.

Newnesss of Life

Reflected Light

Just as the sun shines
Brightly on the barren
Surface of the
Moon
Illuminating and shedding
Beauty
On an otherwise
Desolate landscape…
The light of the
Lord Jesus Christ
Illuminates the barren
Soul
Creating beauty and
Life.

In him was life; and the life was the light of men.
John 1:4

Reflections on Depression

In Care of the Soul Thomas Moore says," Because depression is one of the faces of the soul, acknowledging it and bringing it into our relationships fosters intimacy. If we deny or cover up anything that is at home in the soul, then we cannot be fully present to others. Hiding the dark places results in a loss of soul..." (p. 125).

From a wellness standpoint I wonder how it is possible to accept depression as a "face of the soul." Our society attempts to eradicate any hint of "sickness" be it mental, physical, emotional, and I daresay, spiritual. Acceptance would then be tantamount to admitting defeat. I believe, true wellness comes from mining the depths of one's own soul with the couraqe to face that part of self that is deemed unlovely.

David Benner in The Gift of Being Yourself puts it this way," Christian spirituality involves acknowledging all our part-selves, exposing them to God's love and letting him weave them into the new person he is making" (p.54).

Like a beautiful tapestry God can take whatever we offer him, any part of who we are, and weave those parts into the very fabric of our soul creating newness of life.

Joyful in Hope

Treatment for pseudodementia, which is reversible, consists of treating the depression.  At this time I am being treated with medications and psychotherapy.  One day I think I am completely well and the next day I think I'm losing my mind altogether.  My husband, Michael C., is very supportive, loving, and understanding and loves me just as I am.  Every one should be so blessed to have a spouse like Michael C.  

Sweet Holy Spirit I ask You to make me remember Romans 12:12.  Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.  Thank you sweet God for never leaving nor forsaking me.

From: Experience the Ultimate Makeover by Sharon Jaynes

Every spiritual battle is won or lost at the threshold of the mind (p. 105).  Becoming aware of what we think is the first step in stopping thoughts that distress, torment, or otherwise terrorize us.  I have been fighting a dreadful battle with untreated depression which has resulted in pseudodementia a chemical rather than structural dementia.  Please God help me for only You can.  And You will.  My feelings are not trustworthy.  You are trustworthy and have proved this to me many times over.  Thank you, Jesus, for loving me when I am not so loveable.

Follow the Pattern

Make this tabernacle and all its furnishings exactly like the pattern I will show you.
Exodus 25:9 NIV

One Saturday a few years ago I bought a sewing machine at an auction our church held. I have no earthly idea why. My friend, Tiffany, assured me it was a good brand and even suggested I purchase Sewing for Dummies. Caught up in the excitement of the auction, I purchased the machine; after all, it was for a good cause.

I took sewing in Home Economics at Calhoun High way back when. However, I promised my self after about eight times of ripping out the collar of the dress I was making that this would be my first and final attempt at dressmaking.

Thirty some odd years later I have purchased a sewing machine. Go figure.

Moses may have felt the same amazement when God meticulously and specifically laid out the plans for the Tabernacle after the Israelites made the exodus from Egypt.

The Ark of the Covenant was to house the Law God gave to Moses on the mountaintop. Every measurement, every detail was to be made exactly like the pattern God gave Moses.

Every table, lamp, utensil, and drape was laid out by God in minute detail and was to be fashioned exactly according to the pattern God gave Moses. There were to be no deviations, no shortcuts. God left nothing to the imagination. His pattern was to be followed explicitly.

It really makes you wonder how people believe life on earth developed by chance. However, I digress. Let’s think about patterns.

We use patterns for so many things. Ask any carpenter you know. They will tell you it’s hard to build a house without a blueprint, a pattern. Or what about detectives, who use patterns of behavior to profile criminals?

One of Webster’s definitions for pattern says: prescribed route to be followed by a pass receiver in football. It’s typically difficult for the quarterback to deliver the football if the receiver fails to follow the pattern.

If the football receiver takes a shortcut the pass will be overthrown and could even be caught by a member of the opposing team. Sometimes a shortcut appears to be better, to be easier than following the pattern. There are times when we all want to take shortcuts rather than follow the precise pattern.

God, the Creator, the Savior doesn’t take shortcuts. His pattern for the Tabernacle was specific. His pattern, His plan for our salvation from sin is specific. He took no shortcuts although He could have.

The Lord Jesus Christ followed the prescribed pattern, death on the cross, to save His children that we might be with Him forever. His resurrection from the dead completed the pattern. His children, all those who call on His name for deliverance from sin, benefit from a perfect pattern.

The Lord God has even given us His word as a perfect pattern of love to live by. How can we Christians be pleasing to God if we never study the pattern?

The Israelites completed the Tabernacle with no shortcuts. I guess if I’m going to make me a dress I’ll have to follow the pattern with no shortcuts. I know without a doubt if I’m going to please my Savior I must do the same.

To God Be the Glory! Amen.

The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God. Romans 8:19-21 NIV

My kitty died. Actually, she was my husband’s kitty but I was her caregiver. And she died. We are devastated. She was fourteen years old and we wish she had lived to be one hundred. Let me tell you about her.

One day my son, Eric, called telling me his girlfriend had a cat with small kittens, but the mama cat had died. There was one kitten left, the runt of the litter. Would we like to have her? Sure we would!

My daughter and I picked her up and brought her home. Grey, with a white belly, she was so small she looked like a round tennis ball with huge ears. Monica, my daughter, named her Gizmo because she looked like a gremlin from a movie we had seen called Gremlins.

As a matter of fact, Gizmo was so tiny we were afraid she might get her paw hung in the floor vents. So the bathroom became her bedroom and we covered the vents for her safety.

Gizmo, ever the flirtatious female feline, took up with my husband, Michael C., and he became her person. If you have cats you know that people don’t have cats. Cats have people.

I actually read sometime ago about a civil suit involving damages regarding a cat who had destroyed some property. The judge ruled that although people own dogs, no one owns cats. Cats own themselves; case dismissed. The judge obviously was familiar with cats and probably was owned by a cat of his on.

Gizmo was a delight. She loved the smell of flowers burying her nose in a bouquet of roses every chance she got. When she was younger every time we opened the door she raced outside like a flash. She was an inside kitty and we wanted her inside, especially at night.

I’m sure the neighbors thought we were crazy running around in the dark with a flashlight calling, “Gizmo, Gizmo, here kitty, kitty, kitty.” Or chasing her all over the yard with a treat trying to catch her. As Eric says you can’t herd cats.

After she died we brought her home, wrapped her in a soft towel placed in a pillowcase inside a plastic bag. Michael C. dug a hole and we buried her. We cried until we couldn’t cry anymore.

That may sound silly to someone who doesn’t have a pet, but we loved her so very much. She was a part of our family, not simply a cat. Gizmo brought us so much joy and even as I write this my heart hurts.

I am comforted by Psalm 104:27-30 that speaks of all God’s creation and his love for everything He has made. When I read the passage above from the New Testament book of Romans I find solace in knowing that all creation, including animals, long to be liberated from the bondage of decay.

I think about how Jesus, a man of sorrows, familiar with all aspects of human suffering spoke tenderly of sheep, even describing people as sheep. Did Jesus shepherd his family’s sheep loving them, perhaps grieving over a sheep that died? I think He did.

Or maybe, He grieved the loss of a family pet. Maybe Jesus himself had a kitty of his own that died, hurting his heart just as my family’s heart hurts.

Regardless, I know Jesus loves his entire creation. The length, depth, and width of His love is so indescribable, beyond understanding, that I feel certain He loves Gizmo even more than we do. Knowing His love we thank Him for blessing our lives with Gizmo, kitty extraordinaire. We enjoyed every minute of her.

To God be the Glory! Amen.